Don't Leave Me
by Cerasi J
Summary: I should say goodbye, too, but I can't... I just can't, not yet. Please, I haven't got to tell her, she doesn't know...


**Title:** Don't Leave Me  
**Author:** Cerasi J.   
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** John's feelings (and laments!) when Monica "dies."  
**Spoilers:** _Audrey Pauley_  
**Disclaimer:** Chris Carter owns it all, I am but a lowly fan.  
**Author's note:** I was half-asleep when I saw this episode, so please forgive any mistakes in dialogue and the scenes. Thanks. -C.J.  
---

Hospitals.

I hated them. With a passion. They take people away. They took Monica. Bastards. All of them. She was the only thing bright in my life, the joy, the hope, everything. Gone. All gone. How could she be gone?

Could God hate me enough to take her from me? I bent my head, attempting to hide my tears, I failed. That moment in my driveway... I should have done something. Invited her in, talked to her a moment longer, touched her face, kissed her, made love to her. Anything to keep her away from the icy hands of death.

Death. That was an ugly word. I hated that too. My thoughts swam through my head, bouncing off the inside of my skull, I didn't even seem to notice them, I just wanted Monica back.

My mind was blurry; I didn't realize Scully sat down next to me. "John," she said. "She's dead." The words slapped me in the face. Dead? No, not Monica. She was too strong, too independent. Dead. The words echoed in my ears. Death. Monica. Dead. Gone.

No, no! It can't be! I never told her... never had the guts... she'll never know...

My mind wandered, now I was at Monica's bedside. How did I get here? Did I blackout? Probably, maybe. I don't know. I looked down at her. She has pretty eyes... pretty hair... everything about her was pretty.

No, beautiful. Monica was beautiful. The doctor came in the room and closed the door behind him.

I tried to ignore him. Doctors always had bad news. I shut my eyes. I caught only pieces of what he was saying. "Brain dead..." "No activity..."

"Organ donor."

This got my attention, "What?" I said. "Your friend," the doctor repeated, "Signed an organ donor card."

I glared at him; "You're not cutting her up. Not yet." The doctor glared back, I wanted to shield her body with mine, so no one could touch her. I returned my eyes to her, organ donor? Monica, you fool. Why did you sign your life away? It felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. Stolen from me. Like Monica.

Not fair. Nothing was. Why me? I tried to ignore the doctor and Scully discussing no-brain activity. I wanted to die. Pull out my gun and shoot myself so I could be with her. I couldn't pry my eyes from her face. Smile at me, Monica, I begged to God, tell me I'm wrong, fight with me, laugh with me. Like we used to. Tell me you love me too. The door clicked Scully and the doctor were gone. Leaving me alone with my pain. I held her hand, I know you're not gone, Monica. Not yet.

---

I think I slept, maybe. Not sure, I think passed out is a better word for it. I poured over medical books, rifled through files, snooped around for clues, anything, anything to save her. Or at least know everything had been done.

I made phone calls, sent faxes and e-mails, anything and everything I could do. Finally I went into see her. A young woman was sitting at her bedside, I stood for a moment, watching her through the pane of glass in the door, then I opened it and went inside.

She stood slowly and looked at me, "Are you her husband?" She asked. I hung my head, only in my wildest fantasies. I looked up at her and shook my head a bit. "Oh." She seemed disappointed. "But you love her, don't you?" I stared at her. Was it really that obvious? But this woman was a total stanger, I didn't know her. I wanted to demand who she was and why she was in this room, but the words wouldn't come to me.

The young woman shuffled past me, looking at her feet. I glanced at Monica, wanting to run to her and make sure the woman hadn't harmed her in anyway.

"Your friend is still here," She whispered to me. My head snapped back toward her. I gaped at her. "She's still alive." She looked at her feet again and slipped out the door.

My eyes returned to Monica. I smiled a bit, _I knew it._

---

Hours passed, maybe it was days, millenniumns even. Wake up, Monica; don't leave me, not yet. Please. Later that evening I saw the girl again, Audrey was her name. I was, (where else?) sitting beside Monica, wondering if the weird doctor had something to do with all of this.

I heard a voice, "Are you John?" I looked up, not answering. It was Audrey. She took a small step into the room; "Your friend told me to give you a message..." I sat up in my chair, all of my attention on Audrey. "She said you're a dog person."

I stared at her. A... a dog person? Now I knew she wasn't some crazy chick working at the hospital.

Looking at her feet again, she walked from the room. I sank back in my chair and stared at Monica, I shook my head at her, "I still want a cat," I informed her with a wry smile.

More fights, with everyone, Scully, the doctor, myself, I hated them all. I just wanted Monica back, I wanted her to know, know how much I care about her, how much I love her.

She's everything to me.

Last chance, they're going to pull the plug. I'm sorry I failed you, Monica, can you forgive me? Can I forgive myself? No, never. I sent Audrey to find you, I'm sure she failed, I found her dead. Thank you Audrey, thank you. I wish I had a chance to thank you for real, before I failed you too.

I put my head in my hands, still sitting by Monica's bedside. This was it, the final moments, Monica's parents were on their way to say goodbye, the organ harvesting team were sharpening their knifes.

I should say goodbye too, but I can't, I just can't. Not yet. Please, I haven't got to tell her. She doesn't know. I closed my eyes; _Make me wake up_, I prayed, _make the pain stop._

---

Scully entered, informed me her parents were here, God no. Monica, I failed you, I'm sorry.

"J-John?"

My eyes shot to Monica, who sighed and shifted in her bed. I gaped at her, my vocal cords refused to work, Scully stared too, unbelieving.

"John," Monica smiled at me. Oh God. Am I dreaming? No, no, I'm not. I love you Monica, I love you, don't ever leave me ever again. Please.

---  
Three days later  
---

I parked my truck in front of Monica's apartment building; I got out, opened the door for her and stared at my feet, searching for the right words. I looked up meekly, our eyes met and I became totally tongue-tied. "N-night," I managed to studder. Night? NIGHT! John, you IDIOT! You almost lost the woman you loved and all you can say is "Night"!

She smiled at me, "Night, John." She turned and climbed the stairs; she turned, looked back at me, smiled one more time and went inside.

I stood there; I watched the door close. My hands shook, my heart raced. It almost hurt to breathe. I should have said something else, I should have told her I... I... oh, the hell with it.

"Monica! Wait!" I bolted up the stairs after her. I pushed in the door, and looked around, she must be upstairs already, I dashed up three flights of stairs. I reached her apartment at the end of the hall; I pounded on the door with a clenched fist. "MONICA!"

The door opened and Monica stood on the other side, a confused look upon her beautiful face. I rushed inside, past her before she could ask any questions. I slammed the door behind me.

"John, wha-...?"

I grabbed her in a firece hug before she could say anymore. Tears gathered in my eyes once again. She stood very, very still for a moment, then hugged me back.

"I almost lost you," I whispered, my voice sounded harsh. She put her head against my shoulder, I felt her nod. I held her tight, held her as close I could.

"I love you, I love you," I whispered it over and over so I made sure she could understand me. My shoulder started to feel wet, I realized she must have been crying. In a voice barely audible, she said, "I love you, too."

I pried her away from my shoulder, tears were streaming down her face, giving her eyes a very dark green hue. She gave me a weak smile, I tried to smile back.

I kept staring into her eyes, her eyes that were alive. Alive thanks to Audrey. I lowered my face down to hers, she closed her eyes... my lips almost touched hers, I was so happy she was here with me.

She placed her hands behind my neck and drew me closer... so close... and... her phone rang.

She gasped and her head snapped up, she squirmed a bit. "I'd better answer that..."

"Oh no, you don't." I pulled her close and kissed her lips. It was wonderful; her lips were soft, and warm and tasted like strawberries.

Monica broke away and put her head on my shoulder. A smile crooked at the corners of my mouth, I layed my cheek on the top of her head. "I'm never gonna let you go, Monica, you hear me? Never."

Half-laughing, half-crying, Monica said, "You need a dog, John." My shoulder muffled her words.

"No," I said, I pried her away from me long enough to look into her eyes and kiss her again.

"I need you."

---

Fin. R/R, tell me what you think. :-)


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